I'm not smooth.

I never really have been. I have been very nervous lately, anticipating some possible good news, and feel that I have been decidedly less cool in this situation than I would like. In an attempt to calm myself by laughing at myself, I offer the following examples of me totally embarassing myself.

I became a serious hockey fan when I lived in Orlando. This was around 1996 or 1997 at the height of the "Friends" popularity. I was about 15 or 16. My parents had season tickets to the Orlando Solar Bears, and would sometimes let me take a friend. One night, my friend Katie and I noticed a guy sitting in the next section. He looked a little like a skinny, goateed Chandler Bing to us. We dared each other to go over and tell him so, but I was the stupid one who did it. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey, how's it going?

Guy: Not too bad. Enjoying the game?

Me: Oh yeah, I love hockey.

Guy: Me too. I'm a Senators fan.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry.

Guy: Are the Solar Bears any better?

Me: Touché. Has anybody ever told you that you look like that guy from Friends?

Guy: Really? Which one?

Me: Chandler.

Guy: Oh, is that a good thing?

Me: Yeah, he's good looking.

Guy: Well then thanks!

Me: Okay, well enjoy the game.

Guy: You too.

I don't remember the outcome of the game, but I do remember watching the 11:00 news that night. They showed some shots from the hockey players, then showed a fan in the crowd. A guy who looked a bit like a skinny, goateed Chandler. And the newscaster said, "Actor Matthew Perry enjoys a hockey game while in town. . ."

Remember when Chandler looked like this?

Sadly that was not the first time I had made a fool out of myself in front of a celebrity, nor would it be the last. Behold:

1996 - I was running through the Orlando airport to welcome my brother home from the Navy. this was back in the days when you could meet people at the gates. My father, who was behind me, yelled something and as I turned, I ran SMACK into . . .

. . .Dolph Lundgren!

It felt like I had run into a brick wall. If I hadn't made a noise, however, I don't think he would have noticed at all. He's that huge.

Later that same year, I was in the bathroom at the Planet Hollywood in Orlando. As I was washing my hands, someone exited a stall and began washing their hands in the sink next to me. Who was it?

I had no idea. I was just stunned to see a big dude at the bathroom sink. He was very pleasant (and hot!) and smiled at me.

Guy: Hello, how are you?

Me: Good, I guess. Umm, one of us is in the wrong. . .

Guy: It's you.

Me: Whoops, sorry! There were no urinals and the guy out there who barely speaks English told me this was the ladies' room!

Guy: No worries. You should come by our party downstairs. . .

Apparently this dude plays "Jax" on General Hospital and his name is Ingo Rademacher. They were having some sort of General Hospital party at the restaurant and we chatted about it as we dried our hands and walked out of the men's room. As if this encounter wasn't bad enough, my friend saw me say walking out of the bathroom and saying goodbye to him, ran over and started pummeling me. Apparently, she DID know who he was and was a huge fan. She made me chase after him and get his autograph. Then I had to admit I hadn't known who he was in the bathroom. Awful!

Well, that's all the energy I have now. I will be back with part 2 soon. I hope you enjoyed a laugh at my expense.